The "CITIZEN LAME" casting.
Our current agent (we're still looking for better...) Mr. Albert Mojo, gave us a call a while ago about a new "big Hollywood/movie of the week" production being cast: "Citizen lame". A spinoff/sequel to the Orson Wells movie, Citizen Kane.

Imagine! The opportunity to work in an Orson Wells sequel! The stuff dreams are made of...

For this important project, they got legendary director William "Slick" Willie. Another Legend!

Here's a famous paparazzi shot of Mr. Willie with his wife Scan, at the Farmers Market.
Mr.Mojo told us they need one guy to be a "featured extra". That means the "guy" could get a line. What that really means is a one way ticket to the big time!

But the part requires some serious weight gain. Whoever is chosen needs to double his weight in less than a month!

Our friends at the But bar in Van Nuys, (our favorite hang out), decided to help us out with a special diet.

This picture was taken after over 2 weeks of deep fried ground beef, deep fried candy bars, cream filled donuts and beer. (lots of it).
My roommate and best friend Phil Schwartzetti really wanted the part. But developed a violent allergy to deep fried meat.

His picture was taken at the same time. But you can tell he had trouble keeping the extra weight. The lack of fried meat 5 times a day does make a difference. The fact he was throwing up all the time didn't help either...

Phil had to make a hard decision if he wanted a shot at the part of his life. He decided to drink 5 six packs a day to compensate for the lack of deep fried meat.
The diet worked right away. Phil gained about 80 pounds in the next week. A stroke of genius. Plus, he had no allergic reaction what so ever to the extra Beer.

Except he was sleeping and burping a lot. Often both at the same time.

Our agent kept calling us for a daily report. He was amazed when he got this shot of Phil Schwartzetti, helping rebuilding a homeless shelter down town. He was promised a free case of beer for the job.
It took so much for me to gain all the weight. But in the end, all the donuts and fried meat in the world were not enough...

Mr. Mojo said I was still a "skinny bastard" and couldn't get the part. I got kind of depressed and went to the beach. The worst part is that none of my clothes fit me anymore. And I can't really afford new ones right now. I had to wrestle a homeless guy for the jeans you see on the picture.
In the end, I'm glad Phil got the part. He really worked hard to double his weight.

He had a small party in the back yard to celebrate. Even Babs Muller showed up. Serving him over 150 beers until 5 in the morning.

Unfortunately, the next day wasn't so much fun. Mr. Mojo called to tell us the "Citizen Lame" project was canceled. The director, William "Slick" Willie, had been arrested on some weird sex charges.

Phil is now very depressed, and still addicted to cheap beer. We also found out yesterday that his tab at the But Bar has now reached $5000.
MAIN